Written by: Yanice, Biological Mother
To all those who have made The Choice,
My name is Yanice. I am a single mother. I have a wonderful little girl who has blessed my life in so many ways. After foolish actions on my behalf, I found out I pregnant again. I was sick and had so much on my plate as it was. I didn’t know what to do, I couldn’t care for both. I told myself that I wasn’t going to go through with it. I couldn’t! Why bring a child into this world to have to deal with needing and the creator (myself) not being able to provide?? I could never live with myself if I put my child in this situation.
I thought I could go through with it, but I was wrong. I started thinking about everything. Would I be saving my child? The little thing growing and holding on inside me? Abortions are something that stays with you until the day you die. It is something that eats at you with every passing day. It’s like killing off a piece of your soul. I know the fear of having a child grow up and ask “why” and it is that fear that at times keeps me up at night. But it’s a bigger fear to know that by my own hands I would have taken a life. A life I created. I felt lost and scared.
I was online and saw a phone number. I called and was too scared to complete the call so I hung up. I got a call right back from a lovely woman who I will call “Mrs M”. There was no judgment in her voice. Only understanding and the need to help. I was still so unsure as the fear grew inside me and she gave me time and called just to check on me. She asked if I would meet someone from her office and I agreed. I met with two women that were just as sweet and understanding as the voice on the phone. They were so nice to my daughter and me. I didn’t feel the uneasy knots inside anymore. I didn’t want to feel for the child growing bigger and stronger inside of me. I feared the connection between us. I told them to choose the best family for my unborn, I didn’t want a part in it.
As I spoke with them I started to understand why it would be wise to maybe just take a look. I did. The feeling of uncertainty washed over me. Like a wave of disappointment. Not from them but from myself. I opened the books that these couples had made. I looked through them as my daughter watched. I started feeling a little overwhelmed. When I felt the tears starting up my little girl helped me make a choice. I picked two couples. Miss K and Miss M gave me the opportunity to speak with them. Nothing big – just 15 minutes with each couple. I made it home knowing that the time to speak with the couples was getting closer. They assured me that I always had the choice to back out. I sat back and let my thoughts take over. I thought of those who so badly wanted a child to love and care for. How some are not able to create a life beyond their own.
The first call came in. The couple was nice and we spoke for 15 minutes. I liked them. It was time for the next call. I was feeling overwhelmed again something that happened a lot around this time. And it is normal. They made sure to remind me. I was ready. In my mind, it was like it was now or never. I had the courage to do it only then. The next couple came through the receiver and something in me changed. I don’t know what it was but it felt almost like I was speaking to an old lifelong friend or a family member. I felt bad for the first couple because my heart and unborn child had made their choice. As soon as I heard “A and S’s” voices I felt the baby move. And I felt at peace with the choice I was about to make. We stayed on the phone for 33 minutes. Before I got off the phone “A and S” said that if they weren’t what I was looking for it was ok. As long as the baby would be in a good home. When I got off the phone with them I told Miss M that they were my choice. Our choice.
A couple of days later I was given the choice to meet with them. As scary it seemed, I went. They assured me I wouldn’t be alone and I could always say “no”. My daughter and I got there first. We waited and I sat there and thought. It felt like meeting someone’s parents for the 1st time. The irony of the situation. When I first saw “A,” she was perfect. I could see that she was just as scared and nervous to meet me as I was to meet her. We talked for hours. The next few days were hard. As they worked to get closer to me I pushed away. My choice was clear. I was never going to go back on my word but I started to have really mixed feelings.
I had grown close to them and closer to the unborn child. I loved them for giving me the wonderful gift of a great life for my baby!! But I hated them because they could give my baby that! I felt horrible!! I avoided them and Miss K. I felt like I wouldn’t be able to come to terms with all of it. And I mean I really hated them at this moment. I know it was because it was almost time and it wasn’t them that I was hating. It was myself, it was the whole thing. I tried to keep everything inside and when you are doing something like this it is never good to close yourself in. I told them everything I was feeling. They understood, no judgment or anything.
The time came…on October 19th I went into labor. I sent out a text letting everyone know. I had a little bit of a hard time delivering naturally and her heartbeat kept dropping. I was more scared than ever. I got a C section and gave birth to a gorgeous little girl on October 20th at 2:00 am. A little girl who cried so hard until she saw me. And she gave me the best gift I could ever hope for…her first smile. I knew I loved her before she came, I just didn’t realize how much and how hard it would be.
Please believe me when I say that it is possibly the hardest thing you will ever do. But if you are anything like me you will do it. Not because you want a way out or because you think you’re too young for motherhood. You’ll do it because of the image of your baby having a worry-free life. For the picture burnt into heart and mind of your baby smiling and playing and being able to become whoever they want to be.
“A and S” were the first to get to the hospital. They don’t even live in the same state as I do and they made it in the nick of time. I couldn’t see my little girl for 24 hours due to my medical condition after delivery. I knew it was going to be harder if I saw her but I couldn’t help it. I felt so uncomfortable not feeling her. I couldn’t wait to see her. My nurse let me know that A and S never left her side. I knew A was going to be a great mom to my little girl, but hearing that confirmed it even more. When I woke the next morning they were both there. They gave me updates and took pictures for me to see. I met a few people in the hospital that I am and will forever be grateful for meeting and having present. My nurses, Miss. S and Mrs. A, never once asked about the nature of what was going on.
I held it together for as long as I could until the day I finally got to see her. Nurse S helped me to look as nice as I would have been able to and stayed with me the whole time. I broke down in tears and she told me she knew and that I was brave and that my baby girl would understand my choice. I looked at her and wondered why she was so sure. It was then that she told me she was placed for adoption in a loving home. She told me her story and I was grateful. Nurse A was just as supportive. She talked to me, listened to my story and assured me that my choice was wonderful and selfless. She also came to see me even after she was done working.
Please allow me to share this piece of advice – take pictures with the baby and hold them as much as possible. You will always have those moments. “A” shared something with me and it helped me see the details in the picture I was about to paint. “A” is a wonderful woman who has made the most of her life and even ended up with her long-term sweetheart. They have years together. They tried to have children but they later found out they couldn’t have children. “S” never left “A” and supported her choice. Her family also welcomed her choice. It was then that I realized that I never hated them and they didn’t hate me. We envied each other. I had felt things “A” only wished she could and I wanted to be able to give my baby everything “A and S” were willing to so selflessly give. Perhaps I’m not wording it right but I am sure you can understand. This couple and my little girl are worth everything I went through. They even kept the name I had given her. That meant the world to me and I hope they know that. I named her Makayla, after the wonderful women that helped me through all of this. And I would do it all over again to see the love in their eyes. Not to mention the smile and wonderful life she has. The fact that I know “A and S” will let her know how hard it was and how very much I love her. She will always be my little girl. She is just luckier than most because she has two mommies.
I have waited two months since the birth of my child to write this because it was impossible to write without crying. Friend, it is not easy. No one ever said it would be. This is not to lecture anyone or make you feel worse about anything you choose to do. This is my testimony. I hope that if this finds you, it helps you. There are so many wonderful couples like “A and S” who deserve a wonderful, life-changing gift like this.